“See, there’s this thing called caffeine. It’s one of the greatest gifts Mama Earth gave her humans. She hid it in high concentrations inside beans that must be roasted and boiled with water. Fact is, she purposefully kept it out of her green veggies because she wants us to experience the awesome breadth of her bounty (see also: chocolate). (Also, she wanted us humans to get to know each other, so she put some red-hot commodities on one continent, and others elsewhere, and then just sat back and watched us make tracks. But that’s another story.)”